Fri
Mar
16
“ It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.
Alice in Wonderland
“ I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. - Iris, The Holiday
I’m still waiting for that last part… the someplace new.
I think I can finally admit that I’m depressed. I try pretty hard to mask the way I feel and I think that’s where my acting skills come in to play, but it’s getting so much harder every day to put on that mask. Getting out of bed in the mornings is a task. An awful, painful task. I put on whatever clothes I feel like wearing. (Yes, there is a business casual dress code and I’m certain that 2-3 days of the week I am violating it.) I brush my hair and put it in some haphazard ponytail and sometimes a headband for especially unruly days. My hair straightener has been broken since probably about the week before Christmas, but I can’t afford to replace it. I brush my teeth and put on some form of boots and grumble the way to my 45 minute commute.
I hate every second of commuting. I didn’t mind it as much when I could carpool, but since the girl I drove with had a schedule change and they refused my change… adios carpool! Construction. Road closures. Precipitation. Stupid people. I swear like a sailor the whole drive. Then there is the hustle and bustle of the day… I never even get a chance most of the time to eat lunch, get water, or take bathroom breaks. I’ve had to throw away my lunch because after 2 hours of attempting it, the food just could not be eaten.
Money is my biggest stressor. Everything is breaking and I can’t replace it all. Bills. Car lease is over mileage. My glasses broke. Last pair of contacts. I think I have a cavity. Where is this money to come from and why is everything happening now, especially right after the holidays?
When crying to my mother last week and admitting how terrible I feel mentally and that I don’t know what I continue to wake up every morning she literally said, “Oh don’t start this again…” Yes, Mother, because I totally love feeling so low that I’m not worth being around. There are the “friends” who are “always there for you!” that aren’t always there. Ignoring phone calls and texts. “I’m busy.” Oh. And I’m not? One of my best friends acts like he is almost annoyed when I talk about feeling low. Eye rolls. Sarcastic remarks. Let me tell you how much better that makes me feel! If you only feel like being a friend when I’m in a good mood, you’re no friend of mine. And all the things I’ve done for you? Please, treat me like crap. I love it. Is that how little you think of me?
My extracurricular activities are more frustrating and exhausting than enjoyable but I can’t leave them. Who else is going to step up? I took over jobs that were my father’s because he didn’t have time for them anymore. How do you tell your father no? When did going to church become so stressful? I thought the point was to be enlightened and to be at peace? They give me all these jobs… positions, if you will. So here I am, the Clerk of Session and the head of the Music & Worship committee. Why is it that you think I’m capable of these huge endeavors? I know I’m not. Heck, I’m struggling so much with my faith that I wonder how great of a leader am I? I get up there the last Sunday of every month and lead the congregation with our worship band. It’s all going through the motions but I feel like I’ve lost the connection. Pray, Heather. Just pray. I have a problem with praying sometimes. I don’t know what I’m doing. Is there a wrong way to pray? I feel like there is and I’m doing it, so it scares me. Ask me to pray out loud at a meeting and watch my face burn bright and my eyes turn to saucers. I panic. Every time. I just don’t anymore…
